The Mob Goes Green

I wrote this in a moment of humor fueled creativity. It is meant as a sketch not a written story but never the less I hope you find it enjoyable.

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Open in a small butcher shop or grocery store or other small mom and pop owned business. The man behind the counter is cleaning up and getting ready to close for the day. Two large Mafioso walk into the store and the man closing the store looks surprised.
Owner “Gentleman. What brings you back to my store?”
Mafioso 1 “We’re here to collect your monthly protection dues.”
Owner Instantly annoyed “But I just paid you guys three hours ago.”
Mafioso 2 “Yeah unfortunantly the price went up. Nothin personal you understand, it’s just business.”
Owner “You gotta be fuckin kidding me?!? Business isn’t the greatest for me right now. You guys know that, I was barely able to pay three hours ago!”
Mafioso 1 “We understand that Charlie but you have see things from our position. With the economic downturn of the last 7 years many small business owners are really taking a hit. Many of our clients have been unable to pay their insurance premiums.”
Mafioso 2 “Yeah Charlie, many of our clients have even been forced to close down even further restricting the amount of money flowing into our community centered organization. This forces us to not only raise the premiums but to also collect premiums more aggressively for our services. ”
Mafioso 1 “Yeah Charlie we provide a public service. We’re here for people like you Charlie.”
Mafioso 2 “An economic downturn like this sends ripple effects felt all throughout the small business world. If we could just protect one of those corporations, now there’s some motherfuckers who always have cash.”
Charlie “Look guys, I sympathize but it doesn’t change the fact that I just don’t have the money to pay you guys again. My wife just lost her job, my boy needs a good kick in the face but I can’t afford decent boots, and I’m afraid I may have to close down too if things don’t improve, and don’t improve fast.”
Mafioso 1 “Charlie we know and we’re sorry but business is business.”
Charlie “But I don’t have enough to pay you again.”
Mafioso 2 “Gee Charlie, it’s really too bad to hear you say that.”
At this point the mob guys drag Charlie over the counter and begin tying him to a chair while the other mobster shuts the blinds and locks the door.
Charlie “Beating me won’t change the fact that I don’t have the money to pay you.”
Mafioso 2 “We know, besides Eddy here has already chipped two of his knuckles on deadbeats faces over the last few months and we lost our health coverage and workmans comp in the form of benefit take backs and cuts as a result of the downturn.”
Eddy (formerly Mafioso 1) “So lucky for you we’ve been forced to scrap beating you mercilessly until you pay up. It hasn’t been working anyway.”
Mafioso 2 “Yeah so all we’ve ended up with for our trouble lately is medical bills we can’t afford to pay.”
Mafioso 2 begins dumping gasoline around the store much to the shopkeepers horror.
Eddy “So you see Charlie, the rotten economy has forced us to become much, much more aggressive in our attempts to get the money we need to sustain our standard of living.”
Charlie (Beginning to scream hysterically)“How the hell is burning my store down going to bring you more money?!? I’ll be out of business and you will have reduced a negative cash flow position into a non-existent cash flow position.”
Eddy pulling his gun “Don’t get feisty on me now.”
Mafioso 2 moving onto his second gas can “It’s the insurance money. The combination of your small business insurance and your life insurance will provide us with enough money to make it through for a while and faster than if we waited around for your business to pick back up. Of course we’ll have to extort the insurance money out of your grieving widow.”
Charlie “You’re going to kill me?!?!?! Oh god no! Please don’t. I want to live, I’ve always paid you guys and have NEVER been late. Please, please, please don’t shoot me.”
Eddy “Relax we’re not going to shoot you.”
Charlie “Oh thank god.”
Mafioso 2 “You see Charlie, with times bein so rough we have to continually find ways to curtail expenditures. We have wasted thousands of dollars over the years in pointless execution style murders when we was already taking the time to burn down the joint anyway. It’s more efficient to just let you burn with the place.”
Charlie “WHAT!?!?!”
Eddy “Yeah, and that way it will look like an accident too, and we don’t have to waste even more gas driving out into the woods to bury you. That’s a plus for the environment too.”
Mafioso 2 Finishing the last gas can “That’s important Charlie, we have to start worrying about the kind of planet we are going to leave our children. Find more ways of using green energy and being responsible with the resources we do have. Like Gas. Driving 60 miles into the wilderness to get rid of your corpse wouldn’t be very green of us.”
Charlie “Well burning down my shop isn’t very green either.”
Eddy “Yeah but it is an investment. You see with the money we make off of burning down your shop and your life insurance award we can then re-invest that in research toward finding a greener source of arson.”
Mafioso 2 and Eddy move toward the door and Eddy pulls out a matchbook.
Eddy “Well it’s been nice serving you Charlie, I mean that. I’ve always enjoyed collecting from you.”
Mafioso 2 “Same for me Charlie. Your good people.”
Eddy lights the match and the store erupts into flames and Charlie screams.
Charlie (now out of frame) “Oh god I am on fire!!! Please shoot me in the face guys! Please!?!? This is so painful! OH GOD MY DICK IS ON FIRE!!!!!!”
Eddy “Can you believe this guy Tony? Now he wants us to shoot him. Un fucking believable.”
Tony (Formerly Mafioso 2) “This is exactly why I will be so glad when I finally promote out of collections. People are so ungrateful and hypocritical.

End